This page recounts word-for-word the amazing events of 2006 when many suspected my twins had supernatural powers not known to mortal men.   The situation has been resolved since and the kids are quite normal trust me.

Hey everybody--  Meet Madison and Andrew!  They are the new loves of my life, and I just want to show these little gems to everyone!  I would have never imagined how great it is to be a dad, but now I feel like I have a whole new life ahead of me.  They are really the greatest thing that ever happened to me....when they are sleeping.

Now a lot of you hardcore art fans were probably worried that TWO babies might be more than I could handle.  You might have been concerned that I wouldn't have time to do my paintings, but let me tell you--I'm getting PLENTY of sleep and PLENTY of work done.   How, you ask?  Well, these two little tykes just happen to be extremely advanced for their age, and I barely have to pay any attention to them at all!   They pretty much do their own grocery shopping....

A few weeks ago, I had just finished shopping for cantelopes at my favorite department store Zayre, when I was accosted by a strange bald man in a wheelchair.   He said that my children were "special", and that I should send them to his "special" school in upstate New York.  I told him my kids are NOT retards, and he should stay the "F" out of other people's business.  But then his voice became real loud (even though his lips were not moving) and he said "very soon some strange occurrences will happen--when they do contact me at 1-800-MUTANTS).   Anyway, I snapped this photo of the old geezer...please excuse the low quality--it's a phone camera.

Later that night, I was sitting in my garage,  gluing some G.I. JOE action figures back together.  When all of a sudden I heard giggling above my head.  I whirled around in horror,  and saw an astonishing sight....

They were CLEARLY levitating under their own power (I checked for strings and found none).   Apparently, the old man was right!  They ARE special babies, and now this explains how they were able to buy their own stuff at the store last month!  See?  see?   Anyway, In light of these shocking photos,  I am seriously considering the bald guy's school.

 Well,  I finally gave in.  After months of strange occurrences with my new born twins Andrew and Madison, I finally decided to take them to the bald guy's mutant school and see what could be done to stop all the shenanigans.  I was really resisting the whole idea, but the kids have broken ALL my ceiling fans,  and I just don't see any other alternative.  So, last week I drove them up to Bald boy's mansion in upstate New York.  I must admit it was a really nice place-- a mansion in fact, and I felt safer about leaving them there.  Anyway, the bald guy's secretary said that the kids would need some kind of cool outfit to attend his "special" school, so I spent about 4 days sewing their outfits together.  This was extremely tough because I am a very manly man.. but I did my best...

    Now, I am having a VERY bad year, so just the slightest thing can really set me off.  I got a bit angry and I said "Yeah?  Well, you just won the award for fruitiest hair-do ever.  What do ya think about that Wolver-douche?"   His face turned beet red like a monkey's ass.  The next moments were all a blur...first he tried to pull three switchblades on me--three in one hand!!  But, then Andrew and Madison were on top of him like shit on an ape!  I snapped this shot with my trusty camera just before I passed out...